Human lies
Home affairs: Sudden envy, a greater goal, a case for dogs, forgotten flowers, when you shouldn't buy books, workaholism, and Broiling Girl Spring.
A friend of mine is currently studying to become a realtor. When she told me about the structure of her classes and the preparation for the exams, I felt something abrupt and uncanny: envy. I was invaded by a strange nostalgia. I say it was strange because I found myself longing for a life I didn't end up choosing. You know, one of those lives you give up after one tiny decision. My decision was: I never presented my thesis for my Psychology degree. That's when I said goodbye to a future in academia. Goodbye to fighting for tenure professorship at a prestigious university. Arrivederci to cold hands as I run down the corridors because I'm late for a class I'm giving. Au revoir to spending days leading a research group with empty cups of coffee all around me. It's hard to believe, I know, but it's true. I once dreamed of such a life.
My friend told me about the stress-inducing situation of having to pass a State exam, and her fear of failing while juggling being the mom of a toddler. Her eyes revealed how tired she was. Then, a sting in my pelvis. An eerie horniness bubbling through my torso. Damn, the lives we abandon. The possible selves we leave behind. And the way they unexpectedly reemerge from our memories, surprising us with a succession of deliberations we thought impossible, gone, completely buried.
I guess I felt envy of the unattainable: living multiple lives with the same ego/consciousness/whatever-you-wanna-call-it. A classic case of pure greed.
A few weeks ago I shared here I want to introduce more weed into my life. I could tell you about the obvious goals: recovering the strength and body I had before I became a mom, being more disciplined with my work, tidying up my studio every night, and reducing my social media consumption/presence down to a couple of minutes a week. All honorable feats. But, just like with “I want more weed in my life,” I’d love to share this other goal I’ve set myself to accomplish: