46. she still is Jenny from the block
The battles & consequences of the ruminating mind aka being Blocked + a new interpretation of J.Lo's hit
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We all have blocks.
Or clogged pipes.
Or blood clots? (I’m not wishing blood clots to anyone! but as an extra metaphor, it does work wonders because it ads that notion of fatality that a block can bring).
A closed road, under maintenance, to speak softly. Hopefully, they will open it again soon. If Bill and Jim get their shit together and cut to half their 3-hour lunch break.
Well, a break is like a block but only like a dreadful place to be in. More like an
and less like
Nevertheless, it functions as a great soundtrack for today’s dispatch.
SO YEAH, STUFF WE KNOW WE HAVE TO DO BUT JUST CAN’T.
OR! EVEN WORSE, STUFF WE REALLY WANT TO DO BUT JUST CAN’T.
And here, the skeptics would raise their hands, shouting in disbelief “No way! If you want to do something, you’ll fucking do it!”
Well, no, Carl Jung Jr, nice try but that’s not how it works.
Or one of my favorites “If you really want to do something you’ll find a way, if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse”. One of my favorites because it seems to be true. However, the concept of time is not being monitored, or is it?
That’s the whole premise of the infamous “writer’s block”. You have been working on something -or have a good enough idea- for a while. A few pages here and there. You’re enthralled by all the goodness God’s been throwing at you. You are a child of the Divine Glory until… you’re not. You start feeling stuck. Not so good. Bah ideas. You write something. Cringe. Delete it and promise not to show it to anyone. Ever. (And you won’t because you’ve just deleted it). You are blocked now. Welcome to the Block!
This principle applies to any creative and non-creative (if there’s such a thing) endeavor. Many times I’ve had tasks I was extremely excited about doing yet I couldn’t bring to fruition for a really long period of time. That’s the consequence of a ruminating mind.
Au contraire to mine, anxious-free minds are governed by simpler rules:
Me hungry? → Me eat!
Me want sex? → Me has sex!
Me want to write? → Me write!
Such a cute and easy Life experience, right? Let’s take a look at a ruminating mind’s train of thought:
Me hungry? → Me thinks of all the possible foods, starts being more hungry, feels guilty for being so hungry, googles healthy recipes because Me has been trained to avoid gaining weight and procure maintaining beautiful, youthful skin. But Me is hungry so Me fixates on the terrible foods Me shouldn’t eat because Me wants to be loved and appreciated by others. So Me has a little snack to quiet the hunger so Me goes back to Doing Stuff that is not eating. After a few hours, Me is not hungry but starving, bringing Me straight to eating a massive amount of food to alleviate the dizziness and moodiness. Me ends up full and disgusted. Me regrets the food and the Life.
Me want sex? → Hm, Me has a boyfriend, that should make things easier. Wait a minute! Le Boyfriend is lying right next to me in bed! Good! Let’s give him some signs. Unless… he thinks Me is not pretty or desirable anymore. Me said something really dumb two hours ago, maybe Le Boyfriend finally realized how stupid I am and he’s pondering whether or not to break up with me today. He might be calculating the right words and timing. Me thought Me would have sex, but now Me sees the full picture. Me is a nymphomaniac and Le Boyfriend will think Me is annoying* for trying to have sex anoooother time this week. Me quits the the idea of initiating sex altogether. Me feels unhinged but contained. Me goes crazy. Me is angry. Me wants to start a fight. Me wants revenge, Me deserves to be loved and have sex!
(*) The real annoying thing is Me referrering to myself as Me this much. But I want to overcome the discomfort of feeling the cringe Me gives Me. So let’s finish, shall we?
Me want to write? → Me repeats a sentence over and over. Me writes it down (notebook, notes app, Google Doc, napkin, wherever). Me thinks “wow, this is good! Let’s have a break and enjoy the flow of this idea. Me wants some peanut butter and some berries, Me… [starts being more hungry, feels guilty for being so hungry, googles healthy recipes because Me has been trained to avoid gaining weight and procure maintaining beautiful, youthful skin. But Me is hungry so Me fixates on the terrible foods Me shouldn’t eat because Me wants to be loved and appreciated by others. So Me has a little snack to quiet the hunger so Me goes back to Doing Stuff that is not eating. After a few hours, Me is not hungry but starving, bringing Me straight to eating a massive amount of food to alleviate the dizziness and moodiness. Me ends up full and disgusted. Me regrets the food and the Life.] Me can’t write anymore. Me needs to feel good in order to develop seeds like the one Me had before! Me is no writer! Me is a fucking loser. Me deserves to be punished for squandering an entire day of inspiration so easily. Me will never change. Me will never have new ideas worth writing. Me scrolls through Twitter and Instagram until Me passes out.
SEE WHAT I MEAN? The blocked road is an abysmal well. And it takes a long fall until you finally hit the ground and smash that little maze, I mean HEAD, of yours.
a couple of years ago
I had a flat tire
so I left my scooter
parked in the street
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow”
I promised as I entered the taxi
and tomorrow, I said tomorrow
the day after, again tomorrow
months went by
and there she was
parked, like a forgotten child
“you’ve neglected me, mom”
I walked by her
ignored her
acting as if
I was gonna meet her
”one day,
tomorrow” I said
and tomorrow I went
keys in hand prepared
“too late, ma’am”
the Universe said
scooter had been towed away
by the city, who clearly
wouldn’t allow such abandonment
So I had to go pick her up,
pay the fine,
bring her to the mechanic
fix her up
”What a disaster, mom”
months went by
and I couldn’t.
what will I tell the mechanic?
“I’m a terrible scooter mom,
what’s my punishment, Mr mechanic?
I am ready now, charge me now
teach me a lesson now
ridicule me now,
in front of your mechanic friends
question my values, question my mind
my right to be a scooter mom”.
That picture hunted me, day & night
“no, Mr mechanic, I won’t let you question me”
so I never went
to pick her up
there she stayed
my scooter mom title expired
and up to this day
I feel ashamed
for all that happened
And speaking of songs, let’s go back to Jenny from the Block… a psychological approach to the hook:
”Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got” - Okay, I know the rocks could be interpreted as jewelry BUT! what if she was referring to the weight she’s been carrying? The emotional rocks! The pressure, the expectations. Although heavy, she’s been more than able to keep dragging them! She’s a strong woman.
”I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block” - No matter how strong, she’s pretty clear about her past: she was once blocked. Unable to write songs or come up with dance moves, she remembers the struggle of being a blocked artist.
”Used to have a little, now I have a lot” - Again, she talks about her rocks, before being famous she had little to carry “little expectations and investments to turnover”. She’s got a lot on her plate.
”No matter where I go I know where I came from” - She emphasizes how pristine her memory is. She can remember and she will let you know if you were to ask her.
She’s strong & she isn’t senile yet. She can still info-retain, no matter where she goes.
See? it all comes full circle!
And by full circle I mean Jennifer being back with Ben Affleck!
WHAT A WONDERFUL, RARE BUT PERFECT FINALE!
That’s it! I’ll shut up now.
This was your monthly free dispatch (coming last Wednesday of every month).
Next week, I’ll discuss A cure for the Block, for paid subs. You know the new rules. So, if you’re into that kind of thing…
or regret it forever.
bye bye bye,
by all means, have a quick look at this before you leave
is she winking? is she sleeping? is she tripping?
only God knows! But we won’t disturb her!