44. WTF is going on with toilet paper
Why are we so obsessed with it? What does toilet paper actually mean to us?
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Dear friend and reader.
I hope your mind is clear, your heart is light and your butt is clean. I won’t ask you which way you hang toilet paper. Or will I?
Either way, you should ask yourself.
Many things in The Life interest me, toilet paper isn’t one of them. Not really.
But it seems to be a very important and triggering subject for many hoomans.
Especially its positioning or the thought of not having enough of it.
Over or under: a huge deal.
Needing to understand WTF was going on with toilet paper, I embarked on a journey through the interwebs. The internet + My brain. It all started when I innocently posted a poll on my ig stories asking which option was your preferred one. Well. Shit went down. (No pun intended). I lost count of the amount of dms I got from people with outrageous stories over this conundrum.
Just to give you a quick drumroll as an example:
If you haven’t divorced yet over TP, apparently, you can still use it as a catalyst to drive your partner or roommate completely crazy (although, play close attention, it will end up in divorce anyway):
This guy, not just a cause for divorce and marital turmoil, but also workplace harassment:
Sadly enough, presumably, it all boils down to a good Marketing Strategy:
And Marketing Strategies makes some people really mad. Even pushing their actions against the desired conduct:
Funny enough, a lot of these people “read somewhere” it was all a way to make us use more TP so it must be true. But let’s rewind a little… To the start of the current pandemic we’re living:
Yeah. Ring a bell?
It looks like Toilet Paper has a direct way to the human heart. But what kind of path is that and how was it built? Is it primal? Engraved in our DNA?
What is the origin of toilet paper? Because we use it to clean very dirty stuff, like solid poop or diarrhea sometimes, cum, phlem, all kinds of bodily secretions, dirt and if you’ve run out of paper towel and you’re desperate or a college student, you’ll even use it as a napkin. What did we use to clean our buttholes*, va-gees, other surfaces & orifices pre-TP? Let’s find out together, shall we?
Before toilet paper, people mainly used whatever was free and readily available for personal hygiene. Unfortunately, many of the options were quite painful: Wood shavings, hay, rocks, corn cobs, and even frayed anchor cables. Ancient Romans used a sponge on a stick that sat in a bucket of salt water and was shared by everyone (yuck). Leaves, rags, moss and rags were some of the less-painful (and probably more sanitary) options. Wealthy people used wool, lace or other fabrics.
The idea of toilet paper actually dates back to medieval China, when a Chinese emperor used 2-foot by 3-foot sheets of paper. Paper has been used for bathroom duty for thousands of years since then. In the late 15th century, paper became readily available, so newspaper was commonly used as toilet paper. In more modern times, Americans used the Sears & Roebuck catalog and The Old Farmer’s Almanac. In fact, photos of the Almanac from the 1800s and early 1900s show the book was made with a hole in the corner, so it could easily be hung up in the outhouse.
The first commercially packaged toilet paper was made in 1857 by Joseph Gayetty. The paper was wet with aloe and had his name printed on every sheet. It was sold as a medical product, and claimed to prevent hemorrhoids. The product wasn’t very successful, because most people had a hard time paying the equivalent of $12 for 500 sheets when there were so many free options available.
(*) buttholes: every time I use or read this word I can’t help it, I go straight to:
One of the best scenes in cinema for sure.
Okay, so, as I was saying… Toilet paper is directly linked to scatological and intimate scenes. Maybe that’s why we feel this this undeniable and unbearable magnetism, drawing us straight to the small white dude.
And I’m not free of charge. Just like any other hooman, I’ve given in to this universal fascination.
For many centuries, hoomans have bowed to artifacts of their adoration.
Even if I cannot wrap my head around the WHY. the SOURCE. the full psychological explanation. I want to offer my reverence to this small white guy, because he’s the only small white guy I’ll be bowing to. So this is a very special occasion.
POEM FOR TOILET PAPER
No human hands
can resist the glory
of your touch
for your touch
is angelical and essential
like the human heart
but whiter
but tighter
without you,
underwear would be
way messier
and for that,
you are a true champion,
toilet paper.
WINK WINK ; ) ; )
On a heartbreaking but necessary note, most of the content on unsolicited existence will be paid, starting next week. Free subscribers will get 1 essay/newsletter each month, while pais subscribers will still get 1 essay/newsletter every week. I have been re-structuring this living creature that is this project, because it’s not the only project I’m working on and my soul needs to focus on quality not quantity. So, if you’d like to make Le Shift, Le Upgrade, Le Jump! From Today and up to next Wednesday, all subscription options (monthly & yearly) will have a 20% discount for the first year.
For those of you who can’t afford the paid option, I’m still comping 10 hoomans each month, just drop me a line: unsolicitedexistence@gmail.com. And this system is a first come first serve ; )
OKAY, I’m ready to say my goodbyes now. Not because I’m tired of writing but because I’m a really shy gal.
bye bye bye
by all means, have a quick look at this before you leave
Please, say hi (and bye) to my new friend: Colega.