40. the autobiography I'll never write
It's a list! -a list of possible titles for the autobiography I'll never write.
welcome home, are you still here? let’s celebrate!
while we still can : )
As I prepare for a nice week of BACK TO THE REALITY OF BEING PRODUCTIVE,
I put my diffuser on and diffuse some essential oils. Hmm, feeling nice and grounded by the scents of Frankincense and Patchouli, and Wild Orange.
Do you know what else is wild? Being in the present moment.
I take a good look at myself in the mirror and the hypothetical, almost impossible scenario of me writing a book of memoirs brings me back to Earth.
Would I tell the truth?
Of course I would tell the truth.
And I would be savage about it. Shit would go down. And up. And down again.
I’m getting sweaty.
Transpiring out of excitement.
But what would the title be?
So - - - instead of- - - -
writing something I can use in the future…
I go and spend an entire hour coming up with possible titles for that autobiography I highly doubt I’ll get to write down.
BUT LET’S JUST IMAGINE I DID.
And you’re so nice and beautiful and helpful, please picture us in a room, we’re all brainstorming! What’s a good title for a hard-to-explain situation like being on this planet?
Without further ado, here’s the list:
GREAT TITLES FOR THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY I’LL NEVER WRITE:
“Tiny stories to start worrying about your life”
“Stories that may or may not be true”
“Stories that will make you read a little bit of every genre in one book”
“Stories that will get you reading - only if you read them-”
“Who cares about you? I do (don’t believe that, I don’t know you)”
“Who cares about me? I do (+ my mom) (+ probably my dad, too)”
“Who wants chocolate-chip cookies and milk? Well, I don’t have any”
“Are you gonna eat that?”
“This is the story of a bunch of humans pretending Life is normal”
“Is this convo too boring for me? Let me answer that for you: yes”
“Are you there, answers? It’s me, Ale”
“I tend to avoid wearing underwear”
“True love is like lava, I’ve seen it in pictures but never really touched it, it’s like super dangerous. And I’ve never seen a picture of true love”
“I like my sandwich how I like my emotional system, balanced but kinda toasted”
“I “forgot” to call my therapist for twenty years, now look at me”
“Is this Heaven? I hope it isn’t”
“Whenever I read the word dick or penis I’m instantly horny”
“She died masturbating”
“Sex is great but have you ever tried sex”
“Coffee > Tea”
“Language is a wonderful thing, I wish I knew how to use it”
“My name is not so different from yours. They all have letters!”
“We’re all ONE, asshole. We’re all one big butthole”
“I masturbate an average of 40 times a week”
“My mental health is not mental and is not health”
“I never had a healthy relationship with food”
“I loved my neighbors, too bad I had none”
“Existence is overrated”
“Fun game: Let’s pretend like we were never born”
“I’m an unborn baby, teach me how to dance!”
“Me, my reality distortion and some jokes about the infinite beings we are”
“If I shower twice in one day my skin gets super dry”
“I solved most of my childhood traumas. There’s always a few left, though”
“When is this music going to stop? And by the music I mean my heart beating”
“Don’t tell my parents I wrote this”
“I blocked my dad on every social media app”
“I wish I had tried having sex on an airplane, but I never did”
“I would’ve loved having sex on an airplane”
“I once saw my teacher on the street but pretended I was a dog”
“I love this physical plane, but I’d love to have more orgasms”
“I won’t start saying Marry Christmas more happily until I start having more orgasms”
“Is the future already gone? Or is that the one that hasn’t come yet?”
“Taylor Swift once asked a guy: Is it gonna be forever or is it gonna go down in flames? I never got the answer. I really want to know. Pls, help.”
“Okay, that sounds great, but I’d rather not”
“My gynecologist works telepathically”
“I tried cocaine like 4 times”
“My boyfriend says I am funny & sexy & smart”
“Will my boyfriend ask me to marry him? It’s been 30 years now”
“You can’t always get what you want, but I do”
“My dog licked my vagina once by mistake”
“Stop crying, baby”
“I will suck vaccine for dick”
“You look alive! We have so much in common”
“Welcome to you and be ready to understand nothing”
“Therapy will barely change you but highly charge you”
“My opinion changes a lot”
“Why aren’t we all screaming? This is scary”
“Keep calm & die”
“Party Rock was never in the house that night”
“intuition was the real gossip girl”
“Writing is not so much about writing but about thinking of writing, planning on writing, then not writing and feeling terrible”
“I love my friends but I would love them even more if they had yachts”
“Met Oprah once, she was nice”
“I don’t even know how to explain this”
“The more the merrier = biggest lie ever”
“Where was I all that time?”
“A walk to partially remember”
“If I had one more chance I would still not”
“Fuck, I’ve forgotten so many good ideas I thought I would remember because they were so good but now I can’t tell because I don’t remember them!”
“my heart is 24/7 beating & I’m exhausted”
“Is it just me or this wasn’t as fun as we were promised?”
“Is it just me or are we all fucking dizzy because of the spinning of the Earth? What kind of idea is that? Yeah, let’s just go live on a spinning balloon”
“Did I have too much fun or too little? I really don’t know how to answer this question”
“Now that my days are over, bring in the nights”
“How to invent meaning in a meaningless world”
“The truth will scare you but never surprise you”
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