37. they will find out I'm a terrible person
Have you ever had that feeling? "People will finally see I'm not worthy of their love"
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As I exit the public bathroom I encounter a woman -I don’t know or have ever seen before- she smiles at me with great candor. I smile back at her and she insists, drawing a bigger smile. Okay, I think, she wants me to say hi. “Hi.” I give in as I immediately drop my eyes to the ground, avoiding further visual contact. But this woman won’t move -and I need her to step aside to exit the public bathroom, those corridors ain’t that wide-.
Confused, willing to fathom WTF is happening, I bring my eyes back to hers. She’s still smiling. “Yes?” I inquire. Is she trying to say something, maybe telepathically?
“You’re very nice. You have a beautiful aura.”
Then, all of a sudden, I fart LOUDLY and laugh as a reflex, 100% unintentionally. Everything turns a blur. “That was a tremendously inappropriate reaction,” I whisper to myself as I get in my car. But who cares. Well, I do. So I’ll go through this weird interaction over and over for approximately 2-3 hours for the next 3-4 days. Punishing myself with the inescapable cringe, replaying the scene like the only possible penitence.
Flashforward to me in bed. Le Boyfriend lies down next to me.
”Do you ever worry people are not going to like you, for no reason?”. I ask him.
Okay, so for those of you who haven’t had a romantic or intimate enough relationship with me, which I can guarantee is 99,9% of you, there is something you need to know:
I ask a lot of questions, covering from the shallowest to the deepest topics, and they come up at random times. And by a lot a mean a lot. So, there is a high chance we will be peacefully eating ice cream and watching people passing by, and I’ll ask “If you had to pick one, would you rather go with blowjob-but-no-penetration or penetration-but-no-blowjob for the rest of your life?” OR “Hey, do you think a burger is just a sandwich?” OR “Tell me about how you felt unseen when you were a child.”
But I’ve lost my point. Which. Is.
I didn’t believe what that woman had said to me. Something inside of me was NAH. So NAH NAH NAH that I farted! Alejandra! Outloud.
Why is it so hard for you to believe you have a beautiful aura?
That brought me to a constant fear I have:
As crazy and lacking-physical-evidence all of this might be, whenever I meet someone who intimidates me a little I convince myself that person will not like me. Because they will see I don’t fit in and they won’t like that.
My first memories of having this very specific sensation were circa 1997. I was four or five years old. I felt like someone will see I don’t belong. And they must reject me because
That bad bad thing was being born.
It doesn’t come as a surprise to me, in hindsight and after almost two years of therapy. My father, very unconsciously, made me feel like I was a weight he had to pull and a drag. LIKE BRO, YOU DECIDED TO HAVE ME. And I’m still working on this.
Yeah, let’s face it, those first wounds… become your lifetime homework. And they will present themselves to you under different costumes and scenarios.
For instance. A couple of months ago I started going to a Pilates studio. My first pick was a teacher that had a gentle expression in her profile, let’s call her Melanie. So I decided to attend her classes. But I already knew whose classes I really REALLY wanted to attend: the hard-looking teacher, with a severe expression in her eyes, although she was smiling, I could already tell she’d have no-bullshit kinda style, let's call her Jackie.
As I started attending this gentle-looking teacher’s classes I quickly realized the gentleness I so appreciated in her eyes, I didn’t enjoy much during her class.
Meaning that it wasn’t as strong as I desired. I wanted my muscles -especially my core- to be challenged. A couple of classes were stronger and more challenging so I fooled myself into thinking: this will work out for me. But deep down, I knew, my time to book a Jackie class was coming.
One day, I was unexpectedly high on courage and decided to book a class with Jackie, the next morning. I booked it so fast, knowing my Resistance would enter the chat anytime and I didn’t want that to happen. As though I was enchanted by an invisible spell of audacity, I even went to the class.
She didn’t recognize me so she asked if I was advanced at doing pilates. I said no. “How many classes have you taken?”
”Hm, 8 or 10?”
She nodded but I could already tell: She thought I didn’t belong there.
After the class -it was really really hard- she approached me and said: hey, you’re strong, this is a good class for you.
I WAS E - L - A - T - E - D !
OMG, I had her approval. Best day of my life.
I said thank you and left. Proud and walking like a boss lady.
I am strong. Jackie had said so.
I continued attending her classes but I felt she didn’t want me there. What could be so wrong with me? Why doesn’t she like me?
She hasn’t even asked my name. She doesn’t know my face (we wear masks, of course)
She doesn’t know my name. To her I’m just anonymous-strong-but-bah girl.
And I catched myself the other day feeling really sad about this.
But now I’m good. And I’ll keep attending her classes. Because she challenges me.
And I want to challenge her.
I want her to fall in love with me.
Not because I’m great. -which I am-.
but because I belong.
I belong anywhere I want to be.
And so
do you.
bye bye bye,
by all means, have a quick look at this before you leave
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